Thursday, July 28, 2011

Starting all over unprepared

It's been such a long time since I posted in my blog, a lot has happened since i posted pictures. I feel like i need somewhere to rant and unwind about everything that is going on my life, so here I am.
Last Halloween I found out i was pregnant, with my third child, a total surprise, a total whoops. I am going to be honest..the moment i found out..i cried, I cried because I was sure that i was done having kids, I felt like i was done with all baby related things.
Fast forward 9 (almost 10 months later) and I am in Love. Emmett Ryan Landolt was born on June 25th, 2011. At a whooping 9 lbs 10 1/2oz and 22 1/2inch. It was a difficult delivery, He was "sunny side up" or facing up when he was going to be delivered, before delivery, the doctor flipped him in utero. And let me tell you, that was painful, and maybe even a little traumatizing, looking back now, there are parts of the delivery where I can't remember certain details. I don't want to bore you with a birth story. Since I can't remember all of it probably wouldn't make sense.
At this point i got to clarify, this is my third child, and before Emmett, both of my children were such easy labors and deliveries, that i wasn't prepared for this. I didn't get to hold Emmett right away, because of his "sunny side up" condition and another condition that was discovered short after birth *He skips a beat, so his heart beat is/was abnormal at birth.
They worked on him and checked his vitals and cleaned him up for what it felt like an eternity, finally they gave him to me and I held him. My son, daughter, mother in law and a couple of friends were able to meet him and hold him, not for long because of his heart condition he had to be monitored and they took him for an EKG, He had to have this EKG done for four hours. So for four hours he was gone from my side, and the only thing i kept thinking was that I didn't even nurse my baby, i didn't get to hold him for long.:(
After delivery i got really sick. I was nauseous and throwing up, so much that they had to sedate me, so part of those four hours i was asleep..totally passed out.
Ok, here, our breastfeeding struggle begins.
Four hours later, they bring in little Emmett, I start breastfeeding and he seems to be having issues latching.He opens his mouth and sucks, but a few seconds later, he pushes my nipple out with his little tongue, I tried and tried and tried, until he finally latched on right, only to nurse for a few minutes to do this again.
We do this for a a couple more days, he wants to nurse, but keeps "rejecting" my breast, will sleep most of the time.
We go home, two days later, still having the same issues, by now he started showing breast preference, he wants nothing to do with my left breast, screams bloody murder every time i even attempt to put him on it.
After working for a couple of days and the lactation consultant from the Naval Hospital, he starts nursing via tubing, he is getting hungry, my milk is not in yet and it's not coming fast enough for him.
I work on him latching better, he actually started latching on my left side,he does not nurse as vigorously on my left, but i feel like he just "gave up" and did it to keep momma happy.LOL
All this time, he has been cranky, he is not content and cries bloody murder..I am starting to feel like a failure, I feel alone, sad, disconnected, sore, and maybe eve a little depressed. Why is my baby acting so different, his brother and sister weren't like that. I know it's not good to compare, but at this point I was realizing that this baby was going to be different.
Also, on top of this, he is jaundiced, not severely, but enough where they are talking to me about supplementing.
My milk comes in, and he starts nursing a little better. He behavior hasn't changed much, he is always acting hungry and never satisfied, you know that "milk comma" or "breastmilk drunk" face that so many babies have after a good "meal" My baby has never had that..:( He sleeps and is happy now..but i feel like my milk has never totally filled him up. There was times that with tears in my eyes i had to make him formula.. the thing that I didn't want to do..Just thinking about giving up, without a fight, and using formula..even just a little fill him up..How could I fail my baby!!
He started going for weight checks..and he went down to 8lbs 14 oz. For his lenght and weight he could only go down to 8lbs 10oz. So i start stressing out.:(
I start doing some research. And i found this link
Forceful letdown, Emmett had all the symptoms, specially the gagging, chocking,gulp and gasp. He even has stopped breathing for a few seconds, giving me big scares.
I start working on this, changing positions and feeding him only one side at a time. Sometimes this was so much work because he was so little and so hard to feed him "sitting up"
From the moment we came home from the Hospital i noticed that he preferred to lean his head to his left side, I assumed that he would grow out of it, but as days go by, I notice it more and more..sometimes when I am changing his clothes and move his head a little too much to the right, he will scream bloody murder..again, feeling like a failure, because there is something wrong with my baby and I am making it worse.
I start putting two and two together, his neck and him not nursing on my left side are related.
 Also he has failed his hearing test, 3 times, and yes only on one side..and guessed right, he has failed on his left side.
Right now..almost 5 weeks later. I feel like such a failure, i pump and pump, not not enough to start a stash of breastmilk for when i go to work. Most of the time he is crying, he has very few happy content moments.He acts hungry all the time and it seems like my breastmilk is not enough I gave in  and  I started giving him formula.
I am losing my supply on my left side from him not nursing as vigorously as he does on the right. My right breast still has a fast letdown but he seems to be dealing with it better.
I took him to the doctor for his neck and they did an X-ray, everything looks good on it and they are calling it Torticollis and they think that he will/should grow out of it. We have been working at home by moving his head gently to the other side and he got a referral from the doctor for Physical Therapy.
Some days feel like such a struggle, him not nursing well, him not being happy, him not being totally full..I feel like i am starving my child and no matter how much i feed him, he is never happy.

Because of my fast letdown and him choking and gagging during feedings, outings are NOT's really hard to get him to latch when we are out in public. He really hates to be held by somebody else and lately, the only thing he wants is to comfort nurse..even if he falls asleep, he doesn't want to let me go. I am hoping that this last behavior is just a growth spurt.
I still feel like i need help and advice, I am going back to work in a couple of weeks and feel like giving up. I don't know what to do and don't have a clue how i am going to make it work.
I love him so much, and i want to do what's best for him